I saw ISAAC at Harris Teeter!!!
August 15, 2008My library…
August 16, 2008
After being abandoned by my biological father and the stepfather who adopted and raised me, I have some issues believing in men. It’s not that I mistrust them, I think they usually mean what they say when they say it, for the most part, but that maybe they are a little fickle without realizing it. Or at least their hearts and intentions can turn on a dime.
My past relationships haven’t helped with this. In fact, they’ve made it somewhat worse.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. The last man I really let myself believe in was about 7 years ago. He married someone else soon after breaking up with me, although the relationship felt really good to me. I’d never been so happy in a relationship as I was with him and for the first time I really thought I might share my future with someone.
I really liked this guy. I mean, LIKED him. Beyond the sex and love thing. I liked him as a person. He was the kind of guy I would like to be friends with. But there was passion as well, at least from my side. It felt like we might have it all.
The break-up came out of the blue. I was literally stunned. FLOORED. I never saw it coming.
Since that boyfriend, I’ve not let myself get close to another man. I’ve dated off and on, but not really gotten close with anyone. Was it because they were the wrong men? Was it my own fear?
What I realized recently is that the unexpected break-up seven years ago affected me more than I thought. Since then, I’ve not trusted my own instincts with men. At all.
And if I can’t trust my instincts, how can I trust the man I’m with to stick around? How can I believe that there might be something more solid there than a casual relationship?
So, I have to learn to trust myself now. That much is clear. I’m working on the how of that.
Meanwhile, I read romance novels. Weird segue, huh? There’s a point to it, though, I promise.
For the first 35 years of my life, I read mostly horror, sci-fi, fantasy, mystery, and mythology. Two years ago, I tried the romance genre.
It changed my life.
No kidding. After reading romances for about a year, it struck me that these stories were reviving a feeling of romance inside me. My belief in romantic love had been severely damaged, and I didn’t even realize how much.
Reading these stories makes me believe again. It makes me want it for myself. And it makes me interested in figuring out how to fix what is broken inside of me.
The change comes from within, I know that. Most important changes do. The trick is realizing that something is wrong, and the next step is identifying what is wrong. The rest should be easy, right? We’ll see… All I know right now is that the thought of love pretty much terrifies me even while I want it.
5 Comments
Abandonment issues are hard to kick. That’s from personal experience.
They’re even harder to realize you have. Also from personal experience.
So, the good thing is, you’re halfway there, Jen. Trust your instincts, take the plunge. I know you’ll soon find a guy worthy of the huge amount of love you have to offer.
And if you take the plunge and get hurt, just gimme a call. I know people who can beat the shit outta him.
(((Jen)))
I really liked what you said Jen. I happy to hear that give allowed the thought of romance back into your life. We all need romance. I had a pretty good relationship with my dad. We had some issues but I never doubted his love for me and I miss him terrible since he past.
I worry about my daughter though. Like you her father (after our divorce) wasn’t around much. He drifts in and out of her life even though he lives in the area. I feel that she has male relationship problems because of this. However, all that I can do for her is to let her know I’m there for her whenever she needs me.
((((Jen)))) While I didn’t have any abandonment issues(I had a very instrusive Italian father who STILL thinks he can tell me what to do, lol) I had a series of bad relationships that just about had me giving up. It seemed like every guy cheated on me, lied to me, did something that made me reevaluate my own instincts just like you did. And, I decided I would not get involved again, and definitely would not THINK of marriage until I was over 30. Then I was in a wedding and the bride and groom introduced me to Les.
I will say for the first six months of the relationship I waited for him to leave, cheat, do something that would reaffrim that men were slim and I couldn’t trust myself to pick one. I think it about drove him up the wall.
I think romance would have done it for me too, because when I found romance, I realized that I believed in happy endings. One of my professors I was really close to claimed that I was a romantic(this was during one of my “I hate men, why can’t I be a lesbian?” phases. I was shocked because I had always thought myself a cynic. But, he hit the nail on the head.
Now, come on up here to VA and I’ll take ya to the Quantico MCB with Aly, lol
And I meant ALI, I need some more coffee.
Sukhee, thank you so much. I really appreciate that.
Candy, I am glad you are conscious of potential issues for your daughter. I will say that my mother’s father has always been a stable, positive male influence on my life and he showed me that there are men who are faithful and loyal. I hope your father is the same kind of influence on your daughter. It is good that you are there for her.
Mel, I am packing my bags now… LOL Don’t I wish? Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. You don’t know how much it helps to see and hear about couples who are happy.